Updated: Jun 1, 2022
Buying your goods online offers so many benefits!
In the aftermath of the COVID-19 shutdowns, a lot has changed in our world. But none of these changes are as amazing as the magic of widespread dependency on online shopping!
1) Support Corporate America!
In the old days, you'd have to schlep to your local mom-and-pop shop and personally hand those crusty old geysers your hard-earned cash. But now, you can give it to monster corporations to help them grow even bigger! And hey, some of these CEOs might change the world with that money (if they don't buy Twitter or go to Space first!).
2) Lower chance of returns!
Learn the important life lesson of being satisfied with your purchase, because you no longer just return everything you buy at your local retail store. Trust your decision because returns require too much time and effort. Plus, if you call customer service, you’ll never get to a human anyway! And don’t worry, you CAN further support those great corporations with added delivery fees! None of that actually goes to the delivery drivers!
3) Longer wait times!
Come on... going all the way to the store to buy something right when you need it is for the weak. Instead, experience the convenience of delivery right to your home - two weeks later! If that’s too long to wait, you could always pay a monthly subscription to Amazon Prime, which at least pretends it will deliver it sooner and encourage you to order even more!
Plus, if you order that big package, you have to be home when it’s delivered, even if they give you no real idea of when that will be, right? Who needs plans?! Full homebody mode re-activated. And hey, on the off chance you’re not home, those alley cats will sure enjoy that expensive new device of yours...
Thank goodness your children will never have to experience the wasteful ways of flipping through a catalogue. (Cue: sigh of relief.) Instead, they get even more screens in their lives! Put those silly old print companies out of business!
4) Less social interaction!
Do you miss those early pandemic days or staying home alone all day without any human interaction? Well, what if I told you you don’t have to make small talk with that friendly barista or get to know the local librarian! WHEW! You can get everything you need delivered to your door - you don’t even have to open it until the delivery person is gone.
As an added bonus, the isolation will surely increase your chance of serious depression or anxiety. Time to test your strength, because Uncle Sam certainly won’t pay for proper mental illness treatment!
5) More work for delivery drivers!
More online orders does mean more jobs for Americans. So stop complaining, snowflakes! The best part is, these jobs are low-wage with poor conditions, so they don’t cost employers much of anything! Hello, corporate profits!
BONUS: Supply chain issues no matter how you shop!
Baby formula? 'Nuff said.
Happy browsing! Especially when your computer won’t even turn on because of all the updates! Go big tech!