Mermaids Claim ‘New’ Viral Skincare Trend Is Underwater Appropriation Of Centuries-Old Custom
Mermaids have been smearing slime on their face for centuries - long before TikTokers took credit for its ‘groundbreaking’ overnight moisture benefits.
Scroll through your ‘FYP’ on TikTok and at least one shiny, slimy fresh face will pop up. “Slugging,” they’ll gush, “it’s LIFECHANGING.” The viral skincare trend has been tried by gen Zers and boomers alike, and purports to hydrate and moisturize your skin to dewy perfection.
Petroleum jelly, Vaseline, Bag Balm - pick your petroleum poison, the goal is the same: slug on as much as can and take your wet face to sleep. When you awake in the morning, hydration will have deeply-penetrated your pores. Don’t ask what the science is, but it’s backed by amateurs and dermatologists alike. The trend seems to have popped into the collective consciousness overnight as quick as the pimples post-slugging (just me? besides the point) - with satirists like @BennyDrama7 smearing handfuls of vaseline into his face and hair in a mockery.
One cohort not buying the collective hype? Mermaids. “We’ve been slugging - or as we call it, sliming - for years,” laments Cerial Fins, “to not only change the name, but claim credit? It’s another reason to hate Gen Z as far as I’m concerned.”
“Here, here!” Quipped her mother, five-hundred year old Gertrude Fins. "In my day, we’d go straight to the source!" By that, she means any number of sources: jelly fish, pirate supplies, wildlife, and more. Shifting living circumstances, changing weather patterns, and frequent attacks on family members meant finding beauty supplies was tough - even for the most beautiful of the sea. At times, hunting required creativity.
"In my day we'd swindle petroleum jelly right from pirates and lonely sailors," added Gertrude. "I'd just show them my scaley breasts! They'd practically throw it at me."
For mermaids, sliming was not only a beauty secret, but a necessity. If sleeping above water, sliming ensured their face stayed moisturized and protected against the sun. For long swims, sliming did double duty: face protection from errant wildlife and a chance to deeply moisturize their tired, travel-weary skin.
The mermaid mother daughter duo claim slugging is the only way mermaids have avoided scales on their face - a plague bestowed upon their lower half.
"Don't be a minnow. Smear some jelly fish slime on your face and then tell me if your face doesn't feel as soft and moist a baby seal's bottom," laughed Fins.
“And give credit where credits’ due.”