Updated: Jul 7, 2020
By Danny Neary
Hey, I'm Ellen Degeneres, the final boss of asking to speak to the manager, and I just wanted to say times are tough but we are all in this together! I hope the videos of me crying in my mansion have cheered you up but if not here are a few more ways to remember that this tragedy has leveled the playing field, brought us all together and gave us all an excuse to fire our staff.
1. We've learned how essential we all are. Service workers, who I used to just refer to as human garbage, are actually proving to be almost as heroic as me.
2. If you can't figure out the demeaning and tiresome process of applying for unemployment maybe you can come on my show and do an even more demeaning dance for some Outback Steakhouse gift cards.
3. We all miss sports and just wish the NFL would finally disregard players' safety so we can go back to George W. Bush's box seats.
4. None of us have our personal hair stylists, makeup artists and chefs living in our home anymore and we've all had to learn to adapt.
5. We've all had more time to watch my stand up special now streaming on Netflix!