By Danny Neary
You're turning 30 and you know what that means, you now have an aching in your soul and a constant desire to take photos of yourself hiking captioned with something like "Every Cloud Has A Silver Lining" or "Life's About Learning To Dance In The Rain." Well we're here to help you fight that urge, to not become your friend Alex from Portland and to find literally anything else to define your 30's by.
1. Try getting into politics - Hey, you're 30 now you're an adult and every fiber of your being is screaming at you to climb a rock and post photos of your self posing like you're holding up a mountain. But snap out of it! The world is in trouble, it's melting, and people like you with your camping trips to Seattle are probably the ones spreading the coronavirus so stop it! And instead start religiously reading Jacobin or learning how to make memes that make fun of Trump. They can even be Minion memes even those don't make your friends hate you as much as photos of your shirtless back meditating on a mountain.
2. Learn A New Language For A Month Or Two - This might be something for when you turn 40 and start REALLY feeling unaccomplished but why not get ahead of the curve? If you want to do something to change up your life when you turn 30 that doesn't involve dragging your happier friends out to the middle of nowhere to "just get away from it all" you could always try learning a foreign language for a couple of months before inevitably giving up. The great thing is no matter how little you actually learn you can now be the guy who goes to a coffee shop to practice and really impress your barista when they ask what you're working on.
3. Get Really Into Craft Beer - Yeah you kind of missed the peak craft beer years but you're 30 now and you don't care if you're late to a trend! Everyone knows the annoying guy who wants you to try his home-brew and they all agree he's less annoying than the guy who wants you to spend a whole Saturday getting lost in the woods.
4. Have A Kid - Listen, I know you might think you're not ready for a kid yet but if you're even thinking about spending $1000's of dollars at Patagonia then clearly you have a giant whole in your heart and you need something to fill it. So why not rush into having a kid? Sure, you might be in way over your head and this should probably not be a decision you make on the spur of the moment but if it'll save you from having a joint Facebook account with your wife where you misquote Thoreau than I say go for it!
5. Get Really Into HGTV - Yeah, I know we're scraping the bottom of the barrel here but turning 30 is a dire situation and we advise doing whatever it takes to not end up like James Franco where you get stuck between a rock and have to saw your arm off, or just end up like James Franco.. HGTV may be a scorn on the soul of America, it may be a place where spoiled consumeristic white people go to live in a fantasy world and find their "dream home" but at least when they show off the huge financial burden that will one day destroy their marriage their friends actually have a good time and don't have to walk around with swampass all day..
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