Updated: Jul 1, 2020
By Danny Neary
Ladies, you are all here because you met my one incredibly important demand for his VP, that they be a damn good broad. I promise if you accept my offer to be my VP I will spend my life, or 4 - 8 years championing the issues you care about and.... Haha, who am I kidding' Mack? I was VP I can't say that nonsense. You'll mostly just pose for photos and get made into memes so people don't realize you're the reasons they have so much student debt and/or are in prison!
All you fine gals and galdets are incredibly qualified, competent and significantly more impressive than me your male suitor, so welcome to the Bachelor! Since I can't focus on anything for more than 20 minutes that isn't a television show that's been on for more than 12 seasons I've decided to chose my VP like those men on ABD chose their tv wives. All of you have shown the incredible ability to be a different gender than me and might help some people forget about my comments on abortion so you would all make great Vice Presidents!
And to those of you asking for a more substantive positions, looking at you Liz, you need to quit being whiney, snowflake millennials. Back in my day we didn't get to pick our Presidents. You know how I ended up Corn Pop, I mean Biden O'Crumbo's VP? I put in the time, I got things done! Sorry, got a little wound up there. I'll cede my time... Uh, I mean as I was saying I really believe in each and every one of you, Warren, Harris, the rest of you. And I've agreed to a set of your demands, no policies you want of course but I promise not to smell your hair, to no longer call you dirty broads and dames, and to try not to confuse you with my wife or sister anymore.
As you all know on the bachelor you usually get to go on exciting trips, have fun and gain exposure for your Instagram workout videos but on the VP edition you'll get to go to Iowa! So to prepare you for your 4 years as a ribbon cutter our first date will be you all joining me to practice eating corn dogs. So, who is ready to practice for the 1986 Iowa state fair with me? Dames, broads? Where are you going? Oh sorry I mean sweethearts and dolls?!