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Reasons To Settle From Your Mom

By Danny Neary


1. You’re not getting any younger and your fertility clock is ticking. I’m just saying this because I love you. Remember what happened when your aunt Susan waited? Well, she’s 54 and she’s still waiting. Mr. Perfect doesn’t exist but your 30th birthday is very real and only 9 months and 3 days away.


2. Your brother gave me two sweet grandkids but he lives in Chicago and you know how dangerous it is there. Do you want me to die of a broken heart? Because you know I haven’t been feeling well!


3. You don’t want to end up like Mrs. Eisner she waited until she was 48 to get married you remember that? Well look what happened her husband died just a few years later. You know men don’t take care of themselves!


4. What about James from high school? Is he still single? Why did you guys even break up in the first place? You weren’t attracted to him? What does that have to do with anything?


5. You should go talk to that nice Stevens boy. He has a girlfriend? Psh, so what? He hasn’t given her a ring. Here, I’ll go say hi to warm him up.


6. Your sister got divorced, so what? People get divorced everyday you think she wishes she’d never gotten married? How would she feel then? Remember the reception that was so much fun. I planned the whole thing.


7. You know I could do it again, it wouldn’t take any time at all.


8. I still don’t know what you see in this guy. Yes, I know you’re married and have two kids but I told you not to rush into anything!

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