Updated: Aug 20, 2020
By Danny Neary
D.C. - Today, during an address to the public, the D.C. police chief Peter Newsham announced that from now on all cops will be required to wear a mask while brutalizing protestors. This comes after many people have pointed out that the cops should not be brutalizing protestors, and that they weren't even wearing masks while doing it. Given these complaints, come the D.C. police decided to meet the public in the middle and make a compromise. So, from now on, the police will do their part to lower the risk of transmitting the deadly coronavirus to the people they are beating and throwing in unmarked vans by wearing masks at all times. Newsham stated, "It's really going to be a challenge for our men to make sure their masks stay on as they beat the living shit out of D.C. residents, but we feel it is our duty to protect and serve. So, we're happy to do it." At press time, cops were seen taking their masks off regularly due to overheating while beating protestors in full riot gear.