By Sean Delaney and Danny Neary
Hello, I'm Paddy Maguire Vice Deputy Of Public Health And Safety for the great city of Philadelphia! I am here today to issue a statement asking the people of Philly to please...stop swimming in dumpsters. I know things have been tough as we continue to try to deal with the coronavirus, we've all had to adapt. I for one am working from home, but still made sure to get dressed up today in my finest Wentz jersey. I know it's hot out, and we've all had to make a lot of sacrifices already but please do us all a favor, and I really can't believe I have to keep sayin' this, but stop swimming in literal garbage.
In the interest of public safety, it's imperative that we...no. You know what guys I don't know why I'm puttin' on airs, ironing my Wentz jersey and everything if you all are gonna just keep swimming' in the trash. I'm trying folks believe me, I'm Philly born and bred, I believe it's our God given right to swim in dumpsters, whip batteries at Giants fans and blackout in the K Lot at the Linc. But this covid thing is serious and now something even as innocent and beautiful as swimming in a pile of trash could get you sick!
I know us Philadelphians are smart... Or um, we Philadelphians are innovative... or I don't know just come on. Yous guys need to stop with the dumpster pool shit. I get it, I wanna go down the shore just like everyone else. But if one of you mamooks comes back from Wildwood and gives my Mom Mom and Pop Pop the 'rona, I'll punch you harder than I did that bitch ass police horse on Broad Street after the Iggles won the Super Bowl.
So, in closure, stay the hell home. And if you gotta run to Wawa or somethin' wear a mask. And for cryin' out loud stop swimmin’ in dumpsters. Alright Philly, I love you, stop swimmin' in garbage and we'll beat Covid like Big Dick Nick beat Tom Brady’s old ass.