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I'm A Level 5 Google Reviewer And I Am Not OK

By Danny Neary


Hello, below I am presenting some of my most popular Google reviews to show my history on the site and to express how deeply I long for human connection. I hope you enjoy reading these reviews as much as I clearly haven't enjoyed anything for years.


Moe's Mexican Grill - Two Stars


I went to this Moe's because the Chipotle across from my house is where my ex-girlfriend works and when I go there she and all her friends always make fun of me. I was having a rough day already and decided to treat myself to a nice lunch alone for the 12th straight day at my neighborhood Moe's. It was an absolute disaster, they can't roll a burrito to save their lives and the queso, although good, in no way filled the whole in my heart.


Popeye's Chicken - Three Stars


I was leaving work at 7 pm last night, ready to get home and crash from another exhausting day of alienation and loneliness when I decided to try the new Popeye's Chicken sandwich. It was ok but the combo doesn't even come with a biscuit! Why in God's name would I sign up to work the vast majority of my life in a shitty cubicle fully aware of how unnecessary the entire company I work for is, if I was going to have to pay a $1.50 extra for a Popeye's biscuit?!


Lincoln Park Public Library - 4 Stars


This is a decent library with a lot of great books I can read to feel better about myself and imagine that I'm only so lonely because other people don't understand my intellect. I would give it 5 stars but I'm not capable of experiencing the level of joy that would require.


Fulton Grace Realty - 2 Stars


This is the company I rent from. I have lived in the same apartment for 2 years and have grown accustomed to spending quiet, lonely evenings there refreshing my phone to see if anyone liked my posts on the Ben Shapiro subreddit. Overall not the worst place but nothing to get excited about, like my life.


Charley's Pub - 3 Stars


This is the pub I go to most often in my neighborhood. I would rate it higher but last time I was there my friend threw a beer in my face because I wouldn't stop talking about Jordan Peterson. It's got a nice atmosphere, good music, and a spacious bathroom for hiding in in case you need to cry.

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