By Danny Neary
Hello, I'm Ben Epstein head of public relations for the NFL. While sports are on hiatus we wanted to take some time to clear the air. Yes, the NFL is struggling right now, we might not be able to play by the start of next season, Tom Brady is pretending to live in some mythical place called Tampa, we were just sued by Kaepernick, and we're losing viewers faster than our players lose brain cells. It's not been easy for us either though. Our owners have really been struggling to make back all the money they forced taxpayers to invest in their now empty stadiums, so don't think we're not in pain too.
With that being said, the Fox football robot that pretends to be Roger Goddell told me I would be fired if I didn't spend our break addressing the ways in which the NFL's perception has fallen off thanks to our clumsy handling of social issues. Now for the last few seasons we've been criticized for a lack of empathy, or some have claimed that we only care when these issues impact our ratings. But that could not be further from the truth, we also care when it affects merchandise revenue. As you may know we have received quite a bit of criticism for forcing players to stand for the National Anthem. We want you to know that this is not disrespectful to black activists it's just that we respect our anthem and simply demand that players stand for our age-old tradition that spans over 1 decades.
This stance has lead some to say the NFL is run by old, out of touch, white assholes. Including the players, the media, and my mother. But we at the NFL respect our players and their right to free speech, as long as that free speech is only used to promote the delicious pizza from Papa John's! Papa John's pizza, it's edible!
Some people say we are insensitive to race issues but that's not true. We have SOO many black players and they're contractually obligated to pretend to be our friends! If you still think all we care about is making money then just wait until you see our new community give back initiative presented by Doritos Locos. Taco Bell: Live Mas!