Joe Biden's New Year's Resolutions

By Danny Neary

1. Keep Fundraising

People are hurting right now, believe me I know it's been tough as all get out. So, it's really important that we dig deep down in our pockets and give some money to my transition team!

2. Appeal To The Left

I may not always, or ever agree with those more radical members of our party but unfortunately we're all in the same party so we've got to learn to work together. So let's get started by appointing some real hardcore lefties like Neera Tanden and Rahm Emmanuel!

3. Appeal To The Right

We wouldn't want our friends, and I do mean friends why I'll tell you me and Mitch McConnell have some great times even if Obama doesn't seem to think so, on the right to think we've gone too radical. So let's start things off by bombing a few countries in the Middle East and cutting the deficit so we can get that perfect balance everyone worried about being evicted is desperately craving.

4. Bail Out The Banks

I did it in '09 and that went great. As far as I can remember everyone loved it and it's the reason we did so well in the 2010 primaries. So I say start printing that money Jack, we can always make up for it by cutting social security.

5. Spend More Time Relaxing

It worked for me during the campaign and I don't see why I shouldn't be able to find plenty of time to relax in the New Year. Things are hard and we all need to sit back and take things easy in our government funded homes in between throwing people out of there's and making prop-22 a national program!