By Danny Neary
Hello, I'm Ben Epstein. The head of public relations for entrepreneur, inventor and proof of how creepy Willy Wonka would be in real life, Elon Musk. The last few years have been hard for my boss, friend and cult leader Elon Musk and I am here to clear the air. Some people have claimed that Elon is not really the genius he claims to be and simply took his inheritance from his racist parents and turned that into more wealth and prestige. Or that he's a con man who somehow convinces people he knows what he's doing, that his companies never actually do what he says they will, and that... I'm sorry, what was I saying? Oh yes, guys those claims are totally not true! Some billionaires can be good. I mean just look at Tony Stark. Sure he's fictional, a former war profiteer, and commits about 30 acts of terrorism in the first Iron Man movie but wouldn't it be cool if he was real? Well, he's not but the next best thing is Elon Musk! The genius who gave you such great inventions as a car with an iPad in it, an unfinished tunnel you drive cars on because subways have gross poor people on them, and a car in space because he's rich and you're an asshole.
Now, some people seem to think that these are all failing businesses and Elon Musk, like most rich white guys, has just managed to fail upwards, is a greedy union buster and doesn't actually care about anyone but himself. But I'm here to say that couldn't be further from the version of the truth I was hired to tell you! Elon Musk cares about everyone, why just remember when those taiwainese soccer players were trapped in a cave? Who was it who saved them? That's right it was the guy Elon Musk called a pedophile.
If you're still not convinced that billionaires like Elon Musk can be good people I ask you this,what are your plans to combat climate change? Because Elon is trying to colonize Mars, and sure you might respond well we wouldn't need to do that if we taxed the rich and used their money to save the planet we already have. And to that I say what ever happened to your sense of wonder man? What ever happened to following the dreamers and the crazy ones... Here's to them!
Elon Musk is a free thinker a genius. Just last week he innovated ventilators, which we technically can't call ventilators because they were not ventilators, and gave them to NYC hospitals! Elon is always ahead of the curve I mean who needs a Green New Deal or unions when you can give money to both political parties, post pickle Rick memes and smoke weed with Joe Rogan? That is what free thinkers and men of action do. They don't sit around and wait for the government to fix the flint water crisis they tweet about how cool it'd be if we all had computer brains. Elon Musk is a modern day Benjamin Franklin and just like Benjamin Franklin his brain is rotting due to untreated syphilis.
In closing I would just like to remind you of all the good things Elon Musk has brought into the world. Like a car with a Rick and Morty meme in it, a mug that has a funny picture of a cat on it and a freaking flame thrower! Epic dude. If you're still not convinced Elon Musk is actually a great guy,then I suggest you take a test drive in his new Tesla, which will be available for sale sometime in the next 8 to 12 years.
Oh, I'm sorry I've got to get going. Apparently another of Elon's spaceships just blew up but don't worry people Elon Musk wasn't on there it was just the unimportant people who died!