By Danny Neary
Hello, I'm Ben Epstein head of public relations for Burger King, America's 4th worst restaurant. Over the last few years Burger King has taken a few hits. From the backlash over our pro-depression commercial to people finding out our impossible burger is technically horse... Oh, that one is not out yet.... Or true! Now, we've received some backlash for a commercial and campaign we launched a while back that focuses on depression and mental health, with people claiming this was a tone death attempt to cash in on a growing crisis in America. Which is ridiculous, that campaign cost us millions of dollars and if we were trying to cash in on this that would mean we are idiots.
But I want to be very clear about this, Burger King really cares about the mental health crisis, that is why we are making our employees work three extra unpaid hours a day posting memes on our twitter page. Because we know it's tough out there, and everyone should be free to feel their way and die a slow painful death due to their clogged arteries.
The campaign we launched was meticulously planned to help people know it's ok to feel however they want to feel, which is why we offered a DGAF meal, a YAAAS Meal because that's a mental health thing right? A feeling blue meal, and a pissed meal, and no that name does not mean our employees pee in the food although legally I can not promise that. Howeve, to those people claiming this was just another example of a brand trying to capitalize off of depression, fake wokeness, and the struggles millennials face by selling them cheeseburgers, and being epic. I am here to tell you that this is absolutely, only partly true. Sure, we want to sell you burgers and sure when people are depressed it increases their chances of eating at our restaurant by over 3000%, but Burger King really cares about mental health awareness. We believe everyone should get the treatment and support they need, just so long as those people aren't our employees, and the support they need isn't healthcare, benefits, or hazard pay.
Now, as I was saying Burger King has a long history of serving food to depressed people and studies show that 99% of all suicides in America happen immediately after leaving one of our 3000 beautiful Burger King locations. So, if you think we don't care about people suffering from depression, then you clearly have not seen our menu. There is nothing on there that anyone who wasn't seriously contemplated ending it all would ever, ever eat. This is why it hurt our feelings so much when people tried to claim that Burger King was just another example of a shitty corporation that pays it's employees terribly, is poisoning the America people and destroying our environment trying to make money off of depressed people. Sure, all of those things are 100% true and sure, our entire business model is just microwaving McDonalds but that doesn't mean we don't care about mental health awareness. We care we really do!
And to prove it to you, I will be traveling around America to all of our different Burger King locations, bringing our employees and customers suffering from depression really need in this time of crisis, a firm handshake and pat on the back.
My first stop will be to one of our most popular restaurants in Ohio. Voted the most depressing place on earth 12 years in a row this Ohio Burger King has everything we love about Burger King and Ohio. From severely over weight men in MAGA hats to incredibly drunk 11 year olds. This store embodies everything that Burger King represents.
I will be working hands on with the staff there to make sure that they are feeling ok and have everything they need, as long as that is not a union. At Burger King our employees are like our family which is why they know that our CEO taking another million dollar bonus rather than increasing their wages, is just what's best for everyone.
While in Ohio, I will be giving a speech to our employees on the ways we can all improve our mental health by working extra hours, eating our pissed meals and not using those damn phones.
Now, if you think that this tour is just another empty gesture and that Burger King doesn't really care about mental health awareness you've got another thing coming, because we will also be coming out with a brand new slogan!
That's right, and we want you to help us choose our current options are Burger King: When you want to end it all! Burger King: At least we're not Arbys! And Burger King: taste the depression.
Please go to our twitter page where you can vote on your favorite slogan and see some of the funny memes we make our unpaid interns post about Rick and Morty or whatever the kids are into!
And with that I hope you know that Burger King really cares, that when we make our food we only uses the best microwaves and we hope that if you're feeling down you'll come have one of our burgers and only THINK about committing suicide, so that you can come back and buy more tomorrow.