"I'm Not A Failure There's A Pandemic!" Says Failure
By Danny Neary
CHICAGO - Sitting alone in his apartment at 1:45 in the afternoon area man Dave Wilkins, a complete failure of a man, once again expressed that he doesn't see himself as a failure because there is a pandemic. "Listen, times are hard right now, we're doing all we can to get by" said Wilkins, a man who has spent the last six months doing nothing but masturbaiting, surfing Twitter and trying not to regret all his horrible life choices. Later that day while leaving the house for his daily attempt to get a free coffee by signing up for a rewards app with a different email, Wilkins, who sees himself as a writer despite having written absolutely nothing over the course of a six month hiatus from his day job, stated "Everyone is on my case about how I need to eat better, take care of myself and do basic tasks any adult should do but like, hello it's 2020, Hellworld, what do you expect?"