Updated: Jul 7, 2020
By Danny Neary
Hello, as many of you may know, I'm Joe Biden AKA Joe Obama. Remember when he gave me a bracelet? Me neither but my assistants tell me he did. Anyway, the reason I'm here today is to address some of the claims that I'm out of touch, too far to the right, and am prone to gaffes. To these claims I would like to respond by telling you a little story about me and my old pal Strom Thurmond...
Oh sorry about that, my assistant is telling me that people don't like Strom Thurmond, that I should probably go back to hiding in my basement and that my eye is currently bleeding. So, I guess I'll just keep on chugging along. First though I'd like to add that me and Strom didn't agree on most things but one thing we did agree on was that Democrats and Republicans have to work together... to prevent bussing.
Sorry again guys and gals, I'm being told I should stop saying things like that or I'll lose my black support despite my Obama bracelet and close personal friendship with Corn Pop. So I will do what me and my pals at the sock hop called the sally jump and move right along to a topic I think we can all agree on, millennials. Aren't they the worst? Sheesh, would they stop with the complaining? I have no enteropathy, excuse me empatheticism, ahh you know the thing. These kids always complaining about their student debt, well as someone who worked closely on student debt, by which I mean increasing it, I'd just like to say, ah, come on Mack! I mean can't we all agree things gotta get back to the way they were before?
Sheesh, so my assistant is now saying millennials want things to fundamentally change, which is ridiculous what about the billionaires huh? If we get rid of them who's gonna pay for the elections? Ah, give me a break. And yeah, yeah, yeah I should try to "appeal" to millennials but I'm trying! Haven't they seen the video I made of me and the kid from Stranger Things throwing water balloons at homeless people?
Before I go I'd just like to add to all the young people watching whether you be millennials or "zoomers", which isn't a real thing. I mean the only thing I see zooming is... well that's a story for another day. Buy me a malt first as me and my switchblade gang the SockEmBoppers used to say. However, I'd just like to add that listen here Jack, I'm not just gonna hand out money to some entitled young people no matter how many of you don't have jobs, homes, health insurance, or a nice gal to go to the drive-in with. It's just not gonna happen, even if I wanted to you'd have to take that up with Comcast as legally I'm one of their subsidiaries. But that's neither here nor under the chair.
In closing if my decision to extend social security to 60 year olds doesn't win over the woke young folks then stick a sock in it pal. I'll just double down on stealing votes from wealthy Republicans and not worry about winning Wisconsin, Michigan, or Pennsylvania. Can't remember a time that ever didn't work... or where I am right now. Alright, that's it for me, gotta go say goodnight to my sister.