Donald Trump's New Year's Resolutions
By Danny Neary
1. Stop Committing Crimes
If I'm not going to be President anymore, because it was rigged and stolen and Michigan insisted on "counting" the "votes" because of "Democracy" then I might have to stop committing crimes or I'll end up in jail.
2. Make A Law That Pardons All Former Presidents For Past And Future Crimes
Since number one probably won't work out because Biden and his communist administration full of hardcore socialist radicals like Rahm Emmanuel are out to get me. I should try to pass a law pardoning myself for all my future crimes.
3. Work On My Golf Game
Since I'll be out of office soon I'll finally be able to focus on my golf game without my annoying assistants complaining. Mr. Presidnet, there's a pandemic, Mr. President, people are dying, Mr. President you can't arrest your caddy for keeping score. Once I can up my rounds there's nothing stopping me from being the greatest golfer in the world just like I would've been the greatest baseball player if I didn't have those bone spurs.
4. Start Campaigning For 2024
People say I'll be too old to be President in 2024 but I've eaten nothing but Big Macs for 39 years and even covid couldn't take me down. So as long as I'm not in prison or working on my golf game I'm sure there'll be more people looking for someone to sow racial division... or Make America Great Again... Again!
5. Run And Hide
I've said a lot of things to some, not so, you know nice people. And well, some of them may have some not so nice things they want to do to me, so you know I might want to practice my running and my hiding. It's something I fined tuned during covid when every minute there were people wanting me to mail checks or help the people being evicted or blah, blah, whiny, whiny. Losers like these folks, and Graydon Carter never appreciated me and I'm sure these losers will be looking for me, so I'll be running and hiding and believe me no one could do it better.