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Don't Worry This 30 Minute Wellness Seminar IS Better Than Health Insurance

By Megan Neary

Good news! This half-hour wellness seminar your boss made you skip lunch to attend is way better than health insurance. Health insurance is boring. You have to carry a little laminated card around and fill out forms. This seminar is fun, though. You get to play with yellow stress balls with little smiley faces on them and you get to squeeze between Doug and Pam on a funky-smelling purple yoga mat and do downward dog to the relaxing, meditative sound of buzzing fluorescent lights.

Your kid has the flu and this morning you were starting to think you were coming down with it too. But that was before the seminar! Now you know all you have to do is think positive thoughts and whisper self-affirming mantras to yourself. For example, when you wake up with a 103 degree fever tonight, just whisper into your sweat-stained pillow “I am made of stardust. I am made of stardust.” Over and over. It’s sure to do the trick.

The seminar concludes with you and your coworkers, all full-grown adults, coloring photocopied coloring sheets. The leader says coloring relieves stress and recommends keeping a box of markers on your desk, to be enjoyed in your spare time. She says it will really brighten up your day! You’re not sure how your boss, Kyle, would feel about you coloring at your desk but, since he likes to stand behind you and scold you for typing inefficiently, you have a feeling your first symphony of color would be your last.

Now that the seminar’s over, you can go back to work, safe in the knowledge that your wellness knows no bounds. That you are the most well person in the world. That, between deep breaths, that one yoga pose you learned, and the strategic use of your stress ball, no repetitive use injuries, illnesses, or accidents will be able to touch you. All-in-all, it’s been a great day. Even better than that time they replaced your vacation days with free expired calendar photographs of Hawaii for your cubicle.

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