By Danny Neary
Honey, I know you're struggling right now but I just wanted to call and remind you that the coronavirus is probably your fault. And if your'e feeling guilty about that then good. You should feel immense guilt for causing all this suffering for so many people by not going to church last Easter. But don't worry honey, there are still ways you can repent and save yourself from burning in hell like your Aunt Barb. Coronavirus is very serious but there are ways you can beat it and overcome it such as; calling your mom, praying, watching Father Bill's livestream, or drinking. Irish Catholics like you are special because you were baptized, went to Catholic school, and have never hugged your Dad and you can always apologize to God and be redeemed! Unless you did something truly unforgivable like buy plan B.
It may be tempting to feel sorry for yourself right now but as an Irish Catholic you should know feeling anything other than crushing guilt is a sin and the confessionals are closed so that means you're for sure screwed and gonna have a nice reunion with Aunt Barb. It would be really dumb to feel sad or have "medically diagnosed depression" right now. I'm sorry, that just sounds like an excuse from someone who can't even find a few bucks to give the church on Pentecost. Oh, you're sad because you can't pay rent? You're sad because people are sick and you're worried? Yeah, well what about Jesus? You don't think he worried or he suffered? Maybe if you watched The Passion of Christ like I told you to you'd know better. You may have heard reports that you're supposed to be washing your hands but that's just a media conspiracy what you really need to wash is your soul. And the only way to do that is to apologize to everyone you know for googling boobs on the family computer in the 7th grade.