By Danny Neary
1. Medicare For All Is Unrealistic. - If we want to make things better for everyone in America we need to be realistic and accept that making things better is not possible.
2. I Already Have Great Insurance - As I mentioned above, I am a rich media asshole and therefore already have expensive healthcare that I like because it's exclusive and makes me feel better than all the kids who got mad at me when I told the teacher on them for smoking pot.
3. I am Intellectually Insecure - As you can imagine from my prestigious media position I grew up rich, went to great schools and have had every advantage. Tragically though this experience has left me feeling like an intellectual fraud. Because of this I have spent my life trying to convince people politics is incredibly complicated and any system that isn't convuluted and tedious would be impossible. Which is why I think instead of medicare for all we should have more I don't know means tested vouchers for chiropractors.
4. I Just Don't Trust Bernie Sanders - As I've mentioned before I really just don't know what it is about Bernie but I don't trust him. It may have something to do with the fact that I fear his presidency would make people like me obsolete and I would have to pay a little more in taxes... Nah, it's because he's too loud.
5. I Have No Soul - If you've read my column for the last 20 years you already know this but I just wanted to clarify that I have no soul whatsoever and am essentially a heartless, emotionless, glassy eyed ghoul... like everyone who graduated from Princeton.
6. I Don't Want To Lose My Doctor - I know this won't happen under Medicare for All but am hoping some people will just skim this and fall for it.
7. My Dad Never Loved Me - My dad never loved me and I attempt to fill the hole this left in me I attempt by making other people's lives more miserable. This means I need to feel superior to as many people as I possible so supporting a policy favored by so many of the common, dirty working people in America would make me feel like I'm waiting for 3 hours for my dad to pick me up from baseball practice all over again.
8. One Word "Socialism" - It's bad! It's so bad, cuz um I don't know Venezula. Anyways, Denmark isn't the same because the US is so much more diverse.
9. No That Last Comment Wasn't Racist - It's not racist to point out that white people don't want to pay for brown people's insurance it's just calling it how it is. Again, I'm talking about other white people and not projecting.