By Danny Neary
WASHINGTON, DC. - While hosting a meeting at the pharmaceutical sales company he manages David Schmitt, a man currently doing the biding of the dark lord Satan, told the new hires that at this company they like to work hard but play harder. Schmitt, a man who's soul is as black as night, added that he loves working here, it's the best, most inviting company he's ever worked for and he hopes the new hires will soon feel like family. As he spoke many employees reported feeling a cold chill run down their spine as if a part of their soul was dying and worried they may never feel love or joy again.
Jeremy Miller, one of the new hires, stated "This is my first job out of college. Everyone told me pharmaceutical sales pays well but I'm not sure I'm ready to join the upper management in completely handing my soul over to Satan and his demons." Miller added he does really need healthcare and some money to put towards his student loans so he might have to suck it up and let all that is good and decent about him be swallowed whole by the Prince of Darkness.