10 Rules For Making A Marvel Movie
By Danny Neary
Force a random sexual relationship between two characters people don’t care about and who have zero chemistry.
Every few movies remind the world that you still have Gwyneth Paltrow under contract.
Hire black people to make one of your 30 movies, ignore the fact that it was the best one and go back to working exclusively with white men in sweaters.
Regardless of who’s movie it is make sure the true star is Robert Downey Junior’s Black Sabbath t-shirt.
Force every superhero to make jokes that were considered too hacky for the Big Bang Theory.
Hire Paul Rudd, because your cast doesn’t have enough approach-ably handsome men who say things like “Wow, that was awesome… Sorry, serious face”.
Hack Sony and blame it on North Korea so you can finally give the world what they want, more Spider-Man movies!
Have all female characters defining trait be a love for tight leather, and pouty looks that say, “I’ve seen some shit.”
Make your actors promote the movie for so long that they forget who they are and start tweeting things like “Merry Christmas from Iron Man.” Even though they’re not Iron Man, they’re just a 50 year old man with a goatee and a close personal relationship with Mel Gibson.
Reduce all global conflicts, and commentary on late stage capitalism to someone having daddy issues.