By Danny Neary
Hello I am Nancy Pelosi. Speaker of the house, and the star of all your aunt's memes. I am here today to address some of the criticisms I've received from some of our more urb... I mean progressive congresswomen. Now, it brings me no pleasure to be feuding with members of my own party. As we all know my favorite thing to do is clap back at Trump. I may have given him $5B for his concentration camps, sorry I mean day camps but while I signed the bill I gave him one of those sassy Jim Halpert looks. So, I think he got the message.
Now, some people have said I haven't done enough for people struggling during the coronavirus crisis and that is just ridiculous. I mean, if you've been paying attention you'd realize that I tried to send people a tax rebate and small business loans that was shutdown for the awful plan of just sending people money. Like giving people cash has ever helped anyone! And on top of that I've been doing everything I can to boost morale. Like going on James Corden and showing off my $28,000 fridges. People need to be inspired right now and I'm sure that helped!