By Danny Neary
Hello I am Nancy Pelosi. Speaker of the house, and the star of all your aunt's memes. I am here today to address some of the criticisms I've received from some of our more urb... I mean progressive congresswomen. Now, it brings me no pleasure to be feuding with members of my own party. As we all know my favorite thing to do is clap back at Trump. I may have given him $5B for his concentration camps, sorry I mean day camps but while I signed the bill I gave him one of those sassy Jim Halpert looks. So, I think he got the message.
Now, some people have said I haven't done enough for people struggling during the coronavirus crisis and that is just ridiculous. I mean, if you've been paying attention you'd realize that I tried to send people a tax rebate and small business loans that was shutdown for the awful plan of just sending people money. Like giving people cash has ever helped anyone! And on top of that I've been doing everything I can to boost morale. Like going on James Corden and showing off my $28,000 fridges. People need to be inspired right now and I'm sure that helped!
And to those people who say me teaming up with Joe Biden means the Democrats are just going to continue to get nothing done, may I remind you we were the ones who actually built the concentration camps. And to anyone saying the establishment lane of the party doesn't have any real, passionate support just look at all the tweets praising me and Joe from our staff and unpaid interns. Those people are passionate and have rich parents so we actually care about them!
Now in closing I'd like to clarify that while some people on the left have been criticizing me I have been working hard to rest during my one month vacation so I'm fresh when we come back! And to those of you saying that sure, I pretend not to like McConnell or Trump but we probably hangout at all the same country clubs, give speeches to the same banks, and get money from the same insurance companies it's just not true. Because I recently switched country clubs and McConnell is only there sometimes.