Updated: Feb 15, 2020
By: Danny Neary
Facebook has been under a lot of scrutiny lately but after their press conference today we can all rest assured knowing the anatomically correct wax sculptures Mark Zuckerberg recently commissioned of every Facebook user are locked safely in a vault deep underground. This was great news for everyone who had previously worried that someone would get their hands on these sculptures and arrange them in embarrassing positions. Facebook reassured their users that although they may have used their messenger app to unknowingly hack our smart phones and tap into our full collection of photos, that they only did this because they wanted to make sure these sculptures were as accurate as possible. Mark Zuckerberg also addressed rumors that Facebook was selling these sculptures to corporations to use as mannequins and in personalized advertisements, by reassuring everyone that “There are no plans to sell the sculptures directly to corporations at this time.” Facebook users felt much better hearing this news, and Facebook’s stock prices have continued to soar. Knowing that our sculptures are safe in a vault deep underground doesn’t only reassure us that they’re not being used inappropriately but also that we can go back to allowing Facebook to access our private photos, text messages, and screening our phone calls, knowing wholeheartedly that our private information is in good hands and will be kept safe
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