Updated: Mar 22, 2020
By Danny Neary
WASHINGTON - The head of the CDC clarified today that in this time of crisis, as the coronavirus continues to spread, one of the best ways you can prevent getting, or spreading the coronavirus is to wash your hands for as long as it takes to remember every bad and/or awkward thing you've ever done. In a press conference today Dr. William Eisner stated "It is no longer enough to casually wash your hands while thinking of one or two bad moments from 7th grade, it is now advised that you wash your hands while reflecting on just how painful all of middle school was." The CDC also recommended not bringing your phone into the bathroom as this will help stop the spread of germs and will allow you to spend the proper amount of time washing your hands with nothing to distract you from just how much your parents divorce damaged your ability to have a healthy relationship.
Dr. Eisner added that it's not enough to quickly and absentmindedly wash your hands. The only way to really prevent the spread of a disease like the coronavirus is to wash your hands while so deep in thought about the time in high school you made fun of your best friend to seem cool and he overheard you that the sink overflows. The CDC also added that if you plan to travel be sure to bring hand sanitizer, a face mask, and your old middle school diary so as to jog your memory of all the times you horribly embarrassed yourself so you can reflect on them while thoroughly washing your hands.